Stockholm Syndrome

I have always been interested, morbidly so, in rapes, extra marital affairs, sex, criminal behavior etc. 

Recently a friend Y from Europe told me about an incident from her life. She had been raped couple of years back while on a trip to Africa with her boyfriend M. Apparently there were 5 men A, B, C, D, E. It was a gangrape. And that she had enjoyed it.

As I showed interest, she went on to tell me all. For hours, over few days we spoke only on this topic. Neither of us was getting bored in the process.

What happened was something like this:

She and her boyfriend visited a certain country in Africa. They visited many places, had a good time. Finally they landed at the city where the events unfolded. They had booked separate hotel rooms for the two of them since they weren't married and since local custom demanded that unmarried couples not stay in the same room.

The incident happened over two days. The first day she and her boyfriend were at a bar along with many other people, local and foreign. My friend is a very attractive woman and she was wearing a dress that would raise hundreds of eyebrows. Her boyfriend had earlier cautioned her against such dress. But my friend wouldn't listen. This caused a good amount of rift between the two of them. 

Later in the night most patrons had left the bar. Only my friend, her boyfriend and two locals A, B remained. The locals made disparaging remarks about my friend Y. Soon they were hurling insults at each other. A and B also tried to physically assault Y. Her boyfriend M stepped in. And then Y and M retired to their respective rooms. My friend was irritated with M. She ended up being frustrated. When I asked her about it, she told me that she was ovulating at that time and wanted to look feminine and had insisted on wearing a particular dress much against the wishes of M.

The next day, the arguments between Y and M continued. My friend refused to relent. She wore a daring dress. She insisted that there was nothing wrong in her wanting to look feminine.

Later at night when Y was alone sleeping in her room she woke up with a start. And found 5 men A, B, C, D, E in her room. A and B were the same two men from the previous night in the bar, now joined by three more.

She was lying on her back. A was holding her legs. B was holding her wrists. The others C, D, E were around her. The 5 men were old, ugly and mean. My friend told me that the men proceeded with the activities with a calm, patience and seriousness that was eerie. They were like experienced surgeons in the Operating Theater.

It was as though they had practiced rape often. The first man A insisted that my friend look at his face constantly. She physically resisted them with all her strength while being raped by A. But they were 5 of them. She pleaded with them. It was about 20 minutes since the men had begun assaulting her. 
But the men had come to hunt. It was likely premeditated. They weren't going to go away without getting what they wanted. 

Reaching the end of her strength, she yelled at them using profane expressions. She closed her eyes and turned her head to the side.
The first man A then slapped her. He pulled her chin up and made her look at him. He wanted her to make continuous eye connect with him.

At this point my friend's resolve weakened completely. Her expression changed. A and B interpreted her expression correctly.  They released her hands. Y lifted her hands up and smiled at the men. 

She had decided at this time to surrender unconditionally to them. She simultaneously felt emotionally close to these men, as though they were her husbands instead of her rapists.

Then, she continued with her story, she had sex with them with gay abandon and that it was the best sex of her life.

When we discussed further, she told me that she felt closer to the 5 men maybe because they had insulted her boyfriend, maybe because they admired her sexy dress - which (dress) had been the cause of serious rift between her and her boyfriend. Maybe hence the 5 men had become her allies instead of being hated by her.

After the men left what she felt was deep satisfaction, pride, fear, guilt, joy, sadness.

After the event she never called the police, didn't inform her embassy, didn't tell M, nor her parents. To this day only a handful of people know about this. She said she didn't call the police because she wanted to avoid the hassles of a lengthy and perhaps inefficient legal process one could expect in a third world country. But I guessed she didn't find it right to lodge a complaint when she consented to it halfway through.

She feels awful about what happened. And yet even today she would want to have her baby fathered by A but brought up by M. See the conflict?

My friend is an open person and she didn't obfuscate any part of the story. She asked me only one question; Why did she give in to the men and get ready to join them instead of fighting with them till the end or even passing out. This was nagging her. And me too.

I made a list of pertinent things:

1. Sleeping in different rooms
2. Argument with boyfriend about dress. Ovulation makes a woman daring in her behavior. The fact that A and B had been deeply attracted to her the previous night prior to the fight made an impact on her.
3. Points above made Y weak, vulnerable, unable to resist or fight for long
4. Usually women come online for virtual sex or  to flirt after a serious argument with their partner.
5. Staring at A's eyes and being needed by them intently added to it.
6. Their calm and patience made her comfortable. They were alpha males and she was attracted to them. That A and B, from the previous night, were among the five men enhanced her experience. I guess the men  bet among themselves that the victim would consent before each gangrape incident was completed.
7. That she hated being assaulted by the 5 men became irrelevant. 
8. Y wanted to be satisfied and to satisfy them. Hence she gave up her fight.

Points 1-4 above had weakened her S2. Her S1 took over causing her to surrender. Points 5-8 facilitated her to enjoy the night that had earlier begun as a nightmare. The 5 men, especially A and B were experts who turned a helpless victim into a willing participant.
Once she gave in, the enjoyment followed. The turning point was her decision to surrender.

My question to my friend was: The decision to surrender was made by S1. How can she take responsibility for it and feel guilt? 

She is still not fully convinced. But it has brought her closer to understanding the things that were crucial and things that were irrelevant.

I can't but help wonder how it would have been if I were in her place. Makes me also wonder about those 5 men. What kind of a game were they playing? It is quite likely that the hotel staff and the local police were in cahoots with the 5 men, if not they were part of the 5 man team.

The question that arises is: is it so easy to make a rape victim participate eagerly in the act? Do the bullet points mentioned above suggest a recipe for it? Troubling.


Additional Reading:

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome - The bullet points in this article seem very relevant.
2. How to Sell Your Rape Story
3. From the novel Media Justice by Dennis Carstens: "The last time she met Doyle like this, having not eaten anything since breakfast, after four glasses of wine, Doyle was starting to look pretty good to her. Fortunately, her rational brain was still working and she managed to get out of there and home unsullied."
4. https://qz.com/980766/the-truth-about-false-rape-accusations/
5. https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/british-teenager-held-for-false-claim-that-12-israelis-raped-her-in-cyprus-6dq3x07s7
6. The 22-Year-Old Force Behind Egypt’s Growing #MeToo Movement