What Is A Connect

I often think about a connect in relationships.

What is this Connect? What causes it to happen? What causes it to end? How is it like when a Connect exists? And when it doesn't?

A Connect exists when we don't want any disturbances when we are connected. Are we annoyed when we have to answer a doorbell or a telephone call? if the answer is no, we are not connected.

A Connect is absent when we don't mind a disturbance and attend to the disturbance with as much interest as the interest we had in what we were doing now. We may even tend to forget what we were doing now and don't feel a pain. A feeling of guilt in such cases is not an indication of a Connect, it's an indication of manners ("Oh I am so sorry, I kept you waiting"). There is sympathy for the other person which is different from the anger that one feels when one is Connected and has to temporarily switch context because of a disturbance.

Having defined Connect, let's see what causes this Connect and what causes it to be absent. When we are Connected we feel pleasure. We also want to give more to the activity ensure the supply of pleasure for us. We do whatever we can to ensure that. A Connect has ceased to exist when we don't want to give to the other person, which would happen when we don't derive as much pleasure as we used to earlier.

Now why would we stop deriving pleasure? Perhaps the novelty has worn off. Novelty is a good initiator of a Connect. But it cannot sustain a Connect. 

DisConnect happens when the activity (that we do with a person) does not address what we deeply seek. Then we no more derive great pleasure from the activity. And in turn we lose interest in doing the activity with the person. We aren't annoyed by disturbances to the activity. We have lost the Connect.

What sustains a Connect? That activity (perhaps with a specific person) which continually stimulates us, makes us feel pleasure and hence catalyzes us to respond more to it which in turn stimulates us more and hence causes a virtuous cycle and results in a Connect.

Now this activity is person dependent. We unconsciously respond to some things. Each person's behavior has a certain pattern. We keep doing certain things. When a person is his normal self and does something to/with us, does that activity make us feel good, feel pride, feel joy? Then we respond involuntarily. And if our way of response creates the same feeling of joy in the other person, there is a Connect.

Thus for a Connect with a person to sustain, each person's natural instincts, desires, actions, character should evoke a pleasure in the other person. If the intensity of desire for the activity is very different in the persons, the person with the lower desire tends to disengage by creating space. A need for space is a clear indication of a disConnect. A Connect can never be created by showing interest that we don't naturally feel. A Connect is the outcome of joy we derive; not just of sympathy or concern we have for someone. There has to be a personal gain which causes us to reciprocate.

If the natural responses and actions of a person do not thrill us, we don't respond. A disConnect happens. And then it's downhill from then on. The Connect caused by novelty has run its course and there is no more fuel to sustain the Connect.

Now what gives us pleasure? What kind of a person could we likely be Connected to? Look at the people in the past/present we felt a Connect with for a long duration. What were they like? It is likely that only a similar person can create a Connect with us.

Additional reading: 
http://vbala99.blogspot.in/2012/01/modified-five-factor-personality-type.html
http://vbala99.blogspot.in/2012/01/predicting-relationship-success.html