People Breach Your Defenses, Reach Your S1

The whole idea of marketing (of the business kind or the feminine kind) is to ensure that they address or reach your S1. Advertisers would not want to reach your S2 with their messages. For an intro into S1, S2 read http://vbala99.blogspot.com/2017/10/thinking-fast-and-slow-daniel-kahnemann.html.)

When you say no to a request for help, if people respond with:

1. "You have no affection for me, you are so hard and inflexible"

2. "You were never harsh like this, you have changed so much"

3."Who else can i ask?"
Any form of desire and feelings being expressed appeals to the heart.

When people praise you for no real reason uttering empty phrases.:"Your work is so nice", "You are such a nice man." 

They are addressing / reaching your S1 = heart. Not S2. You may tend to let your guard down.

Additional notes and examples of people reaching your S1:

There is a sense of urgency when they talk about an issue, the urgency creates an expectation of fast decision from you, avoiding the use of your S2. The problem people mention would seem to be big needing immediate attention from you. 

• The situation could refer to their plight. "I have to pay my kids' school fees, it has to paid online only. I don't know how to make online transactions. And unfortunately my husband, who handles this always, is also out of town. Can you please  please pay on my behalf. I will repay ASAP." Now if your S2 was up and running, it might have a few questions:. 1. Why don't you give me your card details, I will pay online using your card. 2. Why don't I explain to you and you can pay yourself? 3. Why don't you reach your husband? Is internet unavailable where he is? Why don't take the help of your teenage son for whom internet is a piece of cake? And so on. But the sense of urgency in your friend prevents your S2 from operating. You end up jumping to help her when it wasn't really warranted.
• The issue brought up could refer to your own plight also (in this case your action may benefit them - for example, an insurance agent tells you: "Imagine if you die tomorrow, what will happen to your kid, wife, take an LIC policy immediately." If your S2 was up, it may have raised the question of whether an insurance policy was essential currently, what should be the maximum premium, comparison of LIC's policy with other policies etc.

Most advertisements want to reach your S1. They don't want you to use your S2 and start probing logically into their message "Our toothpaste / toilet cleaner / shampoo / car is 23% better than our competitors'. We work hard so you can sleep easy." Imagine if the message was wrongly delivered to your S2. How would you process the message above and what would your brand recall be?

Why are we urged not to make a decision when we are angry? When we are angry, we are usually riding our S1. Not the best time to make any big decisions when S1 is completely in control.

When people address your S1 and if you are a thinker, that's like telling you to cut your onions with the knife in your left hand. Quite a difficult task. All you have at the end is just tears.

Can you have your S2 always up? No way. But  you may have identified certain people as being ones who only talk to your heart and take you for a ride, especially if you are a thinker (as in MBTI). Set an internal alarm that wakes up your S2 as soon as you encounter this people.

Addional reading

• http://upfrontanalytics.com/market-research-system-1-vs-system-2-decision-making/
• https://vbala99.blogspot.com/2018/05/tinkering-with-your-s1.html

King Of PTP

This post is about my friend, let's call him EM1, and about incidents that happened in the last two months concerning him and me.

The first event concerns a public tender process (PTP).
My friend and I were discussing the process to follow for getting buildings painted.

He often says that he is aware of how things are done but that I don't. He strongly felt that we had to follow a public tender process (PTP) while soliciting proposals from contractors. And he objected to my thought that we could just go ahead and get proposals from 3 different contractors without going through a formal public tender.

The following is the message he sent to me on Jul 24, 2018 reproduced here.

This is regarding  external painting and civil  repairs.  It is  advisable  to follow  the public  tender process. We should  specify the type of work,  materials to be used such as Dr Fix It Nu coat to be used with cement mixtures for filling cracks Asian grade emulsion add synthetic paint to be used after cleaning the walls with sand paper and water washing with  the help of scaffolding.  One coat of primer and two coats  of  emulsion to be specified.  E M D to be paid  by the contractor of 10%min. Also validity  of the contract and  jurisdiction  for any legal disputes.  If the above  guidelines are followed  we can be sure of good results.

I asked him if this PTP (public tender) process was what was followed in the past in our buildings and whether he could show me the tender and the responses. 

He shot back saying he wasn't my servant and he wasn't required to show such proof. Then i asked him how he proposed to go through the PTP now that we had already got the quotations from different vendors. Or should we disregard the proposals start afresh with the PTP. 

He replied that we could write up a tender document and post it outside our buildings - like we see 2ft by 1ft boards advertising for Hathway or Airtel broadbands services. And he added that whoever saw it was welcome to act upon it and submit a proposal.

So THIS was what he meant when he insisted on a PTP in one of our meetings I asked my friend whether this wasn't an eyewash. He and few other friends (UU3 and EF4 - I do have a penchant for giving offbeat names) confirmed that this was perfectly legitimate and this is what we ought to do.

Other instances of his strange behavior come to mind.

In another instance he quoted my stance on sewage pipe replacement completely incorrectly and sent me another note.

This is with reference to your message on items of expenditure  without any priority.  I will  ensure we get back  our old office space as per our letter to state government before this month end.  We should  then call for a committee meeting to set our priorities that  fits our Budget. In my opinion we should  first do the civil repairs to sun shades and also external wall cracks if any by Oct 18. External  painting to be taken up by Jan 19. Our present financial position will permit only this much.  Even to do this we should  call for EGM restricted to the above.  Then form a subcommittee  to start the Tender process  for this work.  After creating some reserves we should  plan for the rest.  Taking  up sewerage pipe relaying is ruled out now as it will cost 40lakhs which  the Assn can not afford. The matter  has been  discussed at several GB when it was decided  that  it should  be done along with reconstruction of our land space into a bigger flat for all owners.  Somebody is misleading the President  about  sewerage  pipe relaying  with an ulterior motive. I am totally against such  a proposal at the cost of Association.  The first two as outlined above  are not only within our means but also an urgent priority. Let  us discuss  in our committee meeting  first  to gain strength to our arguments.

People who had been following my messages would have had a different thing to say about my stand on sewage pipe replacement. They may also realize that the priority that my friend, who incidentally quit The group messaging platform, is talking about is the same as what the group had agreed on. This is a typical example of my friends ranting with a wrong data.
The office space he referred to and taken responsibility for is yet to come as on 23rd Aug 2018. On Aug 11th, my friend mentioned that it will take more time to get the office, that he can't commit to a date and getting an alternate office built was not a priority. And that we could wait until the state government responded favorably.

Couple of months back he and another buddy (UU3) of his insisted that the President of the meeting had to minute the meeting and that it had to be done on paper, not done electronically. Both swore the bylaws that the minutes had to be done that way. Another gentleman (EF4) intervened and agreed to have things printed out if the necessary stuff was emailed to him by the President. 

In another instance around Aug 9th, my friend had suggested that we invite a property tax official so that we could get clarification on the self declaration form to be filled. I had suggested that only 5 people attend informally and the information could be disseminated to all others later. Subsequently my friend called me to say we have to make arrangements for 25 people to attend which would have cost some money. I said no. What was the need for 25 people to attend and why change what we agreed to earlier. My friend went ahead and made the arrangements by himself and incurred the additional expense with the cooperation of UU3 and EF4. What additional benefit did the extra cost result in?

This friend is often inconsistent in what he says, incorrect in what he says and forceful. (Read http://vbala99.blogspot.com/2018/07/pf-gratuity-cheque-payment.html - a nice account showing his thinking.)

Once he told me that if i didn't do what he said, he will not only make sure that nothing moved forward but also that things move backward. Another time he will go to any extent to get what he wanted done - even if it meant murdering me. I disregarded all this as being his typical tantrums and empty talk. 

What makes me curious is: what's driving him to this behavior? He constantly threatens, throws tantrums (A. wanting to change the security agency ostensibly because milk packets and petrol from his bike were being stolen and B. that I personally ostracize a mutual acquaintance because he hated her) and wants special treatment, twists facts, recollects facts incorrectly. What really pisses him off is when he is asked to substantiate his claims or opinions. 

One of his claims was that if income tax was not filed by the deadline, the penalty would be Rs 5000 per day. UU3 and EF4 looking on without disputing this outrageous claim. That's when I realized UU3 and EF4, nice gentlemen by themselves, had taken leave of their senses when in the company of my friend.

The last two months were strange with my friend's destructive behavior with no else to recognize it for what it meant. I consulted a couple of elderly gentleman who had known of my friend for decades. One of them said "he tends to talk too much, 10% of what he says usually is sensible. And he tends to disrupt things." The other gentleman refused to comment except that he has generally avoided my friend in all these decades.

The pathological lies, the grandiose sense of self (the number of times he promised that we would get the office in the next 2 or 3 or 5 days), the way he treated lesser people, his sense of entitlement, his abusive nature, his wrath when asked to substantiate his claims. 

I am reminded of NPD. The last two months felt unreal, with UU3 actively supporting my friend and working n his behalf. And EF4 perhaps unwittingly colluded with my friend. 

All the events mentioned happened as mentioned and hopefully deviate little from facts. Opinions mentioned are strictly mine, which could be incorrect.

Additional Reading

1. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201510/14-signs-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation

Insensitivity - Varieties

A friend of mine is usually accused of being insensitive. She is an extremely generous person and one who would volunteer to help out others at the drop of a hat. She has other friends, women, who are very caring and sensitive but who would hardly ever volunteer to help anyone. They draw a strict boundary when it comes to lending money or doing something for even their close family and friends. I thought this behavior of her friends was very insensitive.

So then my asked me how she herself, being considered insensitive, was different from her friends.

Good question. I had to think through this.

Some of us are sensitive to the emotional needs of others. Others are sensitive to the physical needs of others while being completely oblivious to their emotional needs. 

The first kind, such as my friend's friends, are the feelers who are completely indifferent to the physical (financial, physical) needs of others. My friend is a thinker who is empathetic to the physical and financial needs of others but not to their emotional needs.

I realized that each kind (T, F) berates the other kind for being insensitive while itself being insensitive, thoughtless in other respects.

Strange how the word insensitivity is used very differently by each kind.

Conflict between FPs and TJs
TJs are sensitive to rules and their violations. 
FP's are sensitive to the image they have in public and violations to the image

Worrying about other people's feelings is stressful.  It's easy for feelers to be with you if you are a TJ since you wont get hurt easily (by violation to your image) and they can  let their guard down.
But then you are extremely sensitive and vigilant towards rules and violations of rules and this pisses the FPs off because they aren't particular about rules. Interactions between thinkers and feelers creates this conflict.

Survival Vs Morality

I had occasion yesterday to talk to a friend. We were discussing a recent action of mine. 

He told me strongly that my action was incorrect and defended my action equally strongly.

After few minutes of our "bickering" back and forth it dawned on me that I saw my action from the point of view of whether it was (morally / logically) right or wrong.

My friend, on the other hand, was talking about whether my action was right or wrong from the point of view of survival - whether politically right or wrong.

And obviously we were both right from our respective points of view. Once I realized the meaning of "right, wrong" that each of us employed was different it ceased to be an issue.

The issue then becomes one of whether logically right or politically right - which is more important. And that becomes more of a philosophical discussion which can be discussed, argued, debated without hurting one another.

This realization is rather trivial. Hardly earth shaking.

But, to me, it was shocking. How many other inter personal issues could be handled much easier if only I understood the other person's point of view or standards. 

Right or wrong? Seems like a simple enough question with only a single (correct) answer. 

Is it?

Incidentally my friend consciously packages information based on who the audience is, very focused on survival (politically correct), believes that looking to be doing good is more important than actually doing good which none knows. While he is very logical, he also has substantially higher interest in breadth in subjects than in depth.
IN (as in MBTI) definitely. P ? Or F?

Intelligence - Definition

When we sense information, some of us store the information richly. Imagine an RDBMS table where a key is stored with attributes. So, when confronted with an attribute value, we are about to automatically, through S1, recollect the key or other attributes that are related to the key which key has the said attribute value.

Others aren't able to do this. This "RDBMS" storage and retrieval essentially is N (iNtuitive) or intelligence. The N is distinctly different from rationality which is denoted by T (Thinking) as in MBTI.

This doesn't happen consciously.

North Kerala, South, Tomato Etc

Conversation with Mrs Menon today at her house:

Me: Hello Mrs Menon

She: Hello, pls come in. Mr Menon will be back shortly. 

Me: Where are you from?

She: From Kerala

Me: Where in Kerala?

She: You know, Kasargod.

Me: Oh from North!

She: North alla, Kerala

Me: I know, I said from North Kerala.  Thrissur is Central Kerala. Ernakulam, Kottayam, Alleppey, Pathanamthitta, Kollam, Trivandrum  etc are in South. Kozhikode, Malappuram, Kannur, Kasargod are in North.

She: is it? Athellaam inikku ariyilla. I don't know North South Tomato etc.

Me: Blinking with mouth open. 

Actually it struck me then. The peculiar climate of North Kerala probably causes some hormonal imbalances in the directora incorrecta region of the cerebrum resulting in certain malfunctioning.