What Is The Extent Of Confidentiality Or NDA?

I have been thinking about confidentiality.

A confidentiality agreement, even if it is only oral and not a legally signed document, is similar to a Non Disclosure Agreement (NDA) between two parties. There are standard clauses (what cannot be disclosed to a third party) and standard exceptions (what can be disclosed and when) . The usual exceptions are when the information given to a recipient is already in the public domain or when the government demands for the information then this demand overrides the NDA.

This post is about confidentiality of the non legal variety, one that involves two individuals. Specifically, to what extent is a person bound to not reveal what was told to him by another person in confidence. Including what is told by an individual to a priest during confession or by a person to his lawyer or doctor.

I started to google today and opened a bunch of relevant links. But I stopped. I wanted to express my thought before it was affected by what I read about the stance of the church or the ethics committees.

My post is about what I feel should be confidential and what need not be.

A conversation can be divided into 2 parts: (a) that is about events that one talks about to another in the conversation. (b) the names of the parties or entities involved or any specifics that could lead to their identities.

I believe that part (a) of the conversation which leaves out names and any common means of identification of entities involved is not bound under the confidentiality agreement.

Lawyers and doctors use part (a) in their research. They discuss this among themselves. Perhaps a good amount of this research can come to a stop if patients or clients insisted on a total ban including not only (b) but also part (a) of their conversation with the doctors / lawyers.

I have established a "precedent" to indicate that part (a) is not ethically protected by confidentiality. At this point in time I am unable to see that non-protection of (a) is deleterious to the person(s) concerned.

It is my decision hence that (i) all conversation that anyone may have had with me is open for research, discussion or presentation in any mode or forum as long as (ii) part b of the conversation is never revealed. This decision overrides any promises I might have made in any form to anyone. This is applicable with retrospective effect.

Additional reading:

• http://www.baptistboard.com/showthread.php?t=18186 (Read last para by Carson Weber dated: 03-05-2002, 08:09 PM)
• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seal_of_the_Confessional_and_the_Catholic_Church (Read box in the section titled History and the last para in the section titled "In Practice")
• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Client_confidentiality

Value Of (Female) Virginity

While the trend is changing, Indian culture traditionally had placed a lot of value on virginity. A girl was and, to an extent, still is expected to remain a virgin until she gets married (that reminds me, didn't they conduct the test on Princess Diana before Charles and she got married? Chastity is supreme).

Not only do others expect this, many a woman herself considers her virginity to be her most important possession.

That caused me to think. What is this emphasis on virginity? What exactly does this thought signify? When a person considers that the best she can offer is her virginity, what are her values?

When a product owner considers that the best feature of the product he sells is that it has never been used before, what do we think of the merchant? When the most important point is that the package has never been opened, what is the package all about? How good is it?

When you can't return the product because the seal has been tampered with and hence it is rendered unusable/unsaleable, what is the quality of the product? How useful is something if it largely loses its value / price because its package has been opened?

Should we price a product because it is good or because it is unused?

Do we want to buy/have a product which derives its maximum value only when it's unopened?

I am not saying that virginity is bad. But if this is the best thing that a woman has to offer, eeeek.

Additional reading: 

1. http://www.iamhusband.com/2009/01/priceless-gift-of-virginity-in-marriage.html
2. NDTV News: Kolkata Professor Who Said "Virgin Girl Is Like Sealed Bottle" Removed. https://www.ndtv.com/india-news/kolkata-jadavpur-university-professor-kanak-sarkar-who-said-virgin-girl-is-like-sealed-bottle-remove-1978642

When Do Women Feel Irritation

i was talking to my friend Ana when I realized the intricacies of the feminine mind (well I am calling the one inside their head "mind" kinda loosely for want of a better word).

She explained that when a man questions a woman why she is online so late at night... the woman feels great irritation. 

A ha. "So she doesn't like possessive men", I enquired gently probing her 'mind".

She explained "NOOO it isn't that. We were just friends. If we were in a relationship it would be something else".

Ohhh.. I thought, so women like men who are possessive only when they are in a relationship with them? I asked Ana that question.

She pointed out. NOOO, when in a relationship women like freedom. They don't like men breathing down on their shoulders.

The summary is : Women don't like a man to ask such a question whether the man is in a relationship with them or isn't. The reasons for the irritation in each case are different though.

Hmmm. I got to note this down in my diary. Another pearl of wisdom added.

What Is A Connect

I often think about a connect in relationships.

What is this Connect? What causes it to happen? What causes it to end? How is it like when a Connect exists? And when it doesn't?

A Connect exists when we don't want any disturbances when we are connected. Are we annoyed when we have to answer a doorbell or a telephone call? if the answer is no, we are not connected.

A Connect is absent when we don't mind a disturbance and attend to the disturbance with as much interest as the interest we had in what we were doing now. We may even tend to forget what we were doing now and don't feel a pain. A feeling of guilt in such cases is not an indication of a Connect, it's an indication of manners ("Oh I am so sorry, I kept you waiting"). There is sympathy for the other person which is different from the anger that one feels when one is Connected and has to temporarily switch context because of a disturbance.

Having defined Connect, let's see what causes this Connect and what causes it to be absent. When we are Connected we feel pleasure. We also want to give more to the activity ensure the supply of pleasure for us. We do whatever we can to ensure that. A Connect has ceased to exist when we don't want to give to the other person, which would happen when we don't derive as much pleasure as we used to earlier.

Now why would we stop deriving pleasure? Perhaps the novelty has worn off. Novelty is a good initiator of a Connect. But it cannot sustain a Connect. 

DisConnect happens when the activity (that we do with a person) does not address what we deeply seek. Then we no more derive great pleasure from the activity. And in turn we lose interest in doing the activity with the person. We aren't annoyed by disturbances to the activity. We have lost the Connect.

What sustains a Connect? That activity (perhaps with a specific person) which continually stimulates us, makes us feel pleasure and hence catalyzes us to respond more to it which in turn stimulates us more and hence causes a virtuous cycle and results in a Connect.

Now this activity is person dependent. We unconsciously respond to some things. Each person's behavior has a certain pattern. We keep doing certain things. When a person is his normal self and does something to/with us, does that activity make us feel good, feel pride, feel joy? Then we respond involuntarily. And if our way of response creates the same feeling of joy in the other person, there is a Connect.

Thus for a Connect with a person to sustain, each person's natural instincts, desires, actions, character should evoke a pleasure in the other person. If the intensity of desire for the activity is very different in the persons, the person with the lower desire tends to disengage by creating space. A need for space is a clear indication of a disConnect. A Connect can never be created by showing interest that we don't naturally feel. A Connect is the outcome of joy we derive; not just of sympathy or concern we have for someone. There has to be a personal gain which causes us to reciprocate.

If the natural responses and actions of a person do not thrill us, we don't respond. A disConnect happens. And then it's downhill from then on. The Connect caused by novelty has run its course and there is no more fuel to sustain the Connect.

Now what gives us pleasure? What kind of a person could we likely be Connected to? Look at the people in the past/present we felt a Connect with for a long duration. What were they like? It is likely that only a similar person can create a Connect with us.

Additional reading: 
http://vbala99.blogspot.in/2012/01/modified-five-factor-personality-type.html
http://vbala99.blogspot.in/2012/01/predicting-relationship-success.html