Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts

Thursday, May 29, 2025

Being In Someone's Shoes

I am back here after a long break. Many things happened in those years. I have changed a little i guess in those years. Maybe I will write about events that happened then.

Now let's come to today's post!

A friend of mine lost her family, consisting of her parents and a brother, one by one. She was the only earning member in her family. Some acquaintance of hers remarked to her (my friend's) employer that my friend had gone through a very difficult time and managed it pretty well. 


To this the boss responded that anyone in my friend's position could and would have done the same thing. And hence there was nothing remarkable in what my friend did. 


Probably true what the boss lady said. Anyone who went through the same circumstances as my friend perhaps would have done the same thing. And maybe what my friend did wasn't remarkable. 


Just as anyone in Sachin Tendulkar's shoes would have achieved what he did. Anyone in Mahatma Gandhi's shoes would have done what he did. Anyone in Bill Gates's or Jeff Bezos' shoes would have done exactly what they did 

No big deal. 


I have a question here for the boss. What is a big deal? 

Saturday, December 3, 2022

Schadenfreude

 


This is from Psychos in the C-Suite. I was discussing this article, specifically the highlighted portion with a friend.


Friend: This is interesting. According to this, having a conscience can still lead to wrong judgements. I thought having a conscience makes you do the right things. I equated conscience with righteousness until now. Clearly not. Following on from this, did Krishna have a conscience when he persuaded the Pandavas to wage war against the Kauravas? Furthermore, he played a lot of tricks to help the Pandavas win the war against evil.This would suggest Krishna had a "lesser conscience". The article says we have to form a conscience from "God's" values. But if Lord Krishna himself had a "different or lesser conscience", what do we do?All rather complicated I'm afraid. Is schadenfreude wrong or a bad thing if it is purely because someone else is paying for the wrongdoings he or she has done? I would say schadenfreude is neither good or bad. Just that evil people have to reap the consequences of their actions.


Me: Well I don't disagree with you. Sorry for the double negative. Schadenfreude has 2 different aspects

1. To enjoy seeing someone suffer. This sounds awful

2. To enjoy seeing someone reaping what they sowed. This might seem more positive.


While I love to think that the two are distinctly different, I am not sure the distinction between the two is entirely unambiguous

Tuesday, August 9, 2022

UnConditional Love

A friend of mine told me she has loved her brother and dad immensely. TheY are both, unfortunately, no more.


I asked her. If she had a baby whom she would want her baby to take after, her brother or father. She thought for a while and told me "neither". Both the father and brother had negative traits, she said to me, and hence her response.


That set me thinking.

If they had such negative traits how could she have loved them so much. Something didn't add up.


After a couple of days I thought i found the answer. If she had loved them the way I would, evaluated every part of their nature, then she would definitely have wanted her child to be like them. This is conditional love.


I thought she didn't evaluate this way primarily. She loved some aspects of her brother and father which were truly nice. But they also had other aspects which were not so appealing. But my friend's love for her father and brother was not conditional primarily. It was more unconditional. As a result of which she overlooked their bad traits when she loved them. But would definitely not overlook them when it was about her baby. 


Same way, couple of other friends said they admired me immensely but I found they certainly didn't want to become like me. I thought their admiration for me was shallow. How could you admire someone but not want to be like them..

The baby episode helped me figure this out. They admired one part of me, not the whole of me. To want to be like me they had to like the whole of me, which they didn't.


Bottom-line:

When people love you or admire you, they may still not want themselves or their babies to be like you. This is difficult for me to fathom. 

Sunday, July 31, 2022

My Chats

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WnNJaYYF16M&feature=youtu.be

A friend sent me this video. When I was watching it, I had a strange feeling

What I do while chatting online is like that man. 

Jisko samajh aaye theek hai. Some get it. Others think I am very rude!

Tareeke alag hain. On the surface the man is doing face to face there. Very beautiful house, handsome man etc. In my case no face to face. No picture. Par maqsad kafi hadh tak ek.

Thursday, July 7, 2022

Brothers Are Awful

A friend of mine (she is in her 40s) had a huge argument today with her 50 year old brother. I don't know what led to the argument, what she said, what he said etc. Both siblings are separated from their respective spouses.


During the course of the argument, she opened all windows in the apartment and loudly expressed her opinion of her brother's various failures, including his multiple marriages. 


The brother is very sensitive to this issue and hates to cut a sorry figure in front of his friends, neighbours and relatives. The brother threw a footwear at his sister. The sister dialled 100, told the police there was a domestic violence issue.


The police came home, made enquiries. How does one address a domestic violence issue of this kind between siblings? 

They enquired of the elderly father. The father was mum and refused to say anything to the police.


The police counseled everyone and left. 


Now the questions:

  • What kind of a man throws footwear at a lady, that too his own sister? 
  • What recourse did the sister have when her own brother attacked her? Maybe her parents were of no use in restraining the sibling.
  • How come the brother was so insensitive that he couldn't restrain his temper at his younger sister who was going through emotional trauma herself?

 

As a passing note, I want to mention that the act of throwing anything including footwear at someone is an issue legally. One has cause to complain. 


But can anyone go to the police and complain that someone opened the windows and talked loudly?

 


Monday, May 30, 2022

Opinion of Democracies About Russia

My friend:

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/may/30/negative-views-of-russia-mainly-limited-to-western-liberal-democracies-poll-shows?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other


Not everyone thinks of Russia as a bad boy it seems. Negative views of Russia is limited largely to Western democracies. The Indians have a net positive view of Russia.  Negative views of China are more widespread than of Russia. I think public perception of Russia is almost entirely dependent upon what their government thinks, and what the press in their country tells them. The Western leaders are all strongly anti-Russia, and so are the press and media here in contrast to other countries. Is the press in India more pro-Russia? If it is, that would explain the Indian perception of Russia?


My response:

Western democracies  (than Asian / African / south american) are very anti Russia because the issue is happening in Europe and in a "white" country. 


The same reason why when Finland and Sweden decided to join NATO, everyone (except Turkey) was keen to accept them. While Ukraine was left in limbo for many years.


Meaning there is a pecking order even among white countries. In terms of importance,  Scandinavia > Ukraine > say Moldova >  Macedonia and so on.


And when it was about Afghanistan, of course USA and UK did try to help. But what was the level of involvement? Was it anywhere like how they are involved in Ukraine?


A second season could be that countries like Afghanistan, Pakistan, Macedonia are hardly relevant to the world order unlike Scandinavia or even Ukraine. 

Sunday, May 29, 2022

Loyalty - Gun Or Son

When you have a strong loyalty towards some x and then you are told that x was responsible for some horrible event y then your natural reaction is to sympathise with y while distancing x from y. Meaning not condemning x. 


It just shows the result of strong loyalty. 


X could be gun (as the republicans are reacting to the Texas school killing) or your son who misbehaved with a girl or anything.

Sunday, April 10, 2022

Tuesday, April 5, 2022

Interactions with Emotions (FP's, MBTI)

 

I was talking to a doctor from Delhi yesterday. She said she didn't want to know more about a person she liked because that might make her judge them.

So a medical student might tell the professor they don't want to learn more about vagina, kidney, heart, brain because they might start judging them!. What an excuse to not show interest..


We were then talking about Delhi and how unsafe it is for women. I said Delhi is considered the rape capital of the world. She said that's not true. And that Delhi is no more unsafe than any other city in India. It's just that Delhi has gotten itself a bad name.


I said that rapists are women most of the time. It's just that men have gotten the blame always.


She retorted that I am speaking like this because I don't have any daughter. Right.


Today I was talking to a woman from Chennai. I asked her "if you ask a woman if she is happy, would you ever hear an affirmative response?"

She asked me why I don't want women to be happy.


I am packing my bags. 



Wednesday, March 30, 2022

Boris And The Drinks

A conversation with my friend about Boris, the PM of UK.


My Friend:

I find it totally bizarre when Boris keeps saying even now that no rules were broken regarding the Partygate affair, and that he never attended any parties. It is now abundantly clear that rules were broken both after the Sue Gray report and now after the Police Report. Twenty people have been fined, but nobody is telling us so far whether the prime suspect, Boris, has been issued a fine or not. Still a secret that. Still the idiot Boris says no rules were broken in Downing Street even after people have been issued fixed penalty notices (FPN).


This is exactly like another idiot called Trump who keeps talking about the 'stolen election' even though he knows fully well that it is a total lie.


I don't know much of psychology, but this is just denial of facts when there is evidence flying against it in the face. What is it about these liars? Do they think the public are total fools, and simply denying it will somehow make it true?


I just don't get it. Clearly I am not as clever as they are.


My response:

Facts aren't a binary (Yes/no) for some people. They thrive on the grey. 

Their defense usually consists of a 3 step process:

1. No it (whatever they are accused of) didn't happen.

2. God forbid, if there is proof that it did happen, then the next response is "no, I didn't do it"

3. And if there is incontrovertible proof that they did do it, then the brahmastra "I never intended it". Boris is at step 2. He will move to the last step of expressing his intentions if proof of his drinks emerges.


Of course, we all know how important intentions are. And the great thing about intentions is that its existence can neither be proved nor denied. CCTV doesn't record intentions.


Thus one moves from the realm of incontrovertible proof of an act to the ambiguous realm of "didn't intend".


People from different walks of life follow this process. You just need to abstract their actions and words to see the 3 steps. 


Beware of anyone who focuses on intention rather than on action.


If you had chosen mostly wrong answers in an exam, would you have been allowed to pass it by just having expressed your fervent intention to choose the right answers?


But in life, our intention to choose right actions (without corresponding actions) gives us an enormous amount of bonus points that our exams never did!


Choose your intentions wisely, Sudha. And express them often. They give you far higher returns than actions..



Sunday, March 27, 2022

Emotions And Ukraine War

A conversation between my friend and me about the Ukraine situation. 


Polish Friend: I'm not in favour of Putin, but I'm also not in favour of Ukraine. I just hope that we, Poland, will not get involved.


Me: Well I think you are going to be [involved] as things stand now. You will fight on behalf of Ukraine, If you ever get involved.


PF: I really hope we won't.


Me: You won't like what I am going to tell you. But I anticipated that the war (not "special military operation") will proceed and involve NATO. I sold stocks anticipating it. Note that this is not my wish. But what I think will happen. My money is at stake!!


PF: Is that supposed to be a joke?


Me: Why do you ask that?


PF: Because it is ridiculous.


Me: What is ridiculous?


PF: Should I bet that India and Bangladesh go to war??


This conversation was illuminating to me. Note that my friend asked me whether she should bet and not whether she should wish for a war between India and Bangladesh. Meaning, she understood that I was betting and not hoping for a war. And she still thinks that a bet is offensive. A bet is the result of analysis, not what we hope will happen. The belief that a logic thought is no different from a desire is striking. 

An emotional person doesn't get the difference between what we wish and what we think will likely happen and hence conflates the two. Just as they don't understand the concept of cause and effect. They often think that the cause is the result of the effect.

Strange.


Additional reading 

Acknowledging the Limits of Sanctions: Very nice article


Wednesday, March 23, 2022

Desire And Image Gets Us To Our Goal

I had a very interesting conversation with a friend about the current Ukraine situation and Indian stance.


Friend: Modi's condemnation of Russia's invasion of Ukraine and the humanitarian catastrophe unfolding there will slightly soften the West's attitude to India. India's decision to sit on the fence in the UN Security Council resolution to condemn Russia did not go down very well in the West.


Me: India is a non entity.


Friend: India may not be as much of a non-entity as you think. If it was, why did the West criticise their recent decision? Nobody criticised North Korea, Sri  Lanka  etc.



Me: True to some extent. The only way India makes a difference in this equation is that it may buy oil from Russia (but not food grains, India itself exports that and hence competes against Russia). Plus the defence contracts and [India's need for] spares will provide revenue to Russia. I doubt India will [in future] buy any military requirements from Russia. Otherwise who gives a damn whether India votes for Russia or against.


Friend: It's all about the impression that people have about India. We do want the world to think of India as democratic, liberal (now under threat according to the West), has freedom of speech, independent press - all features constituting motherhood and apple pie. Don't we?



Me: :) you are talking about what we want. I am talking about what is. 


Friend: Yes to get what we want, we want to be seen to be on the right.


The parts in italics are so revealing, eye opening.


Friend: Referring to the article above: "This is one of the numerous articles we have seen recently about why democracy is still motherhood and apple pie! You asked the other day, I am sure only to engage in constructive discussion, about the point of this war because Ukraine cannot win on its own because of Russian military superiority. This tells us why."



Sunday, March 20, 2022

Trump Vs Boris

A friend sent me this article: https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2022/mar/19/pms-comparison-of-ukraine-resistance-to-uk-brexit-vote-criticised-as-crass?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

Now I think I am beginning to understand Boris. I am not sure he is like Trump. True they both share indifference to protocol, do what they please. 


Trump has motivations that are evil. He is an alpha male. I doubt Boris is one.


Boris seems to be a person who wants to be "free", lead a life where he is free to do what he pleases, and not be bothered with do's and don'ts. He has to follow his heart all the time. There isn't much head in him except for that unruly hair. I think he saw this Ukraine thing and thought he could drain himself out of the quagmire he had found himself in as a result of Partygate.

He went one step further and compared Ukraine's situation with Brexit. Possibly he that he would make a martyr out of himself by putting his pet baby on par with a much more legitimate issue. 

Like when someone talks about their brain cancer don't we have the urge to say "yes, I know what you mean, I too had my tooth extracted last week". 

Friday, March 18, 2022

Pain And Sadness

A friend of mine was telling me about two of her friends A and B. She described both of them to me. Both "celebrated" (her words, not mine) sadness. She knew A for 2 years and likes him. She knew B for 2 days before she dumped him. 


That made me curious. What was the difference between the two, I asked her.


She explained. A, while a constantly sad person by nature, was organised and fulfilled his responsibilities. She appreciated this in A. 


B, on the other hand, was constantly in pain. Not doing anything with his life, just whining. She couldn't take this.


I thought through what my friend said. I had thought sadness and pain were similar. Now I feel they are quite distinct from each other. A person can like sadness and still be responsible and be active.


A person in pain is very different. The pain prevents the person from handling any big responsibility. I had a friend who was a HSP, with pain in every organ. She was a housewife who cooked one meal a day, just for herself. And few days of the month, couldn't even manage to do even that. 


A person in chronic serious pain (no matter what the cause) ends up in depression, in which case he hardly handles any responsibility, or in the worst case suicide. They seem to relish and live for the pain. An important part of their identity is their pain.


And I heard that the person, while he was attracted to sadness could never tolerate (expression of) pain either in himself or in others. He was pessimistic by nature. He appreciated sadness as a mood as others appreciate happiness or humour. 


Sadness is perhaps not expressed. But the "kickback" for pain is in the expression of it. 


Pain flows from Venus, sadness from Saturn.


Thursday, March 17, 2022

Pink Is For Men -On Rape - Stories

http://thereel.scroll.in/817340/pink-is-not-for-women-but-for-men-and-boys-says-producer-shoojit-sircar


I have always felt that rape, unless it involved bodily assault as in the case of Nirbhaya, is not a criminal act. Date rape, without violence, for example is not a criminal act - it is no different from a person taking another's money through cajoling.

26/9/2016

Kobe Bryant rape case
I read this wiki article today. It reminded of the discussion I had with a friend a few weeks about rape.

I was telling her that it is very difficult to prove that a man committed rape. She responded that the accuser (woman) would be traumatized and may have semen from the man on her body and that's proof enough. I said it is possible that the woman could have had consensual sex with the accused and could have been later raped by some other man which would cause both the symptoms (accused's semen and trauma).

Additional reading: Excellent post(s) on rape.


Interesting Thing About Strauss-Kahn Case
I read this.

How well that maid told the gang rape story and about her sexual assault in the hotel room!!! She apparently enacted with great verisimilitude.

What made her tell such a story about a man? What was in her mind when she said it? Initially I thought she was perhaps a stooge of Sarkozy's team out to destroy Strauss-Kahn.

I don't know if that was the case. But what is definitely to be appreciated is the way she could emote well in real life about something that didn't happen. Wouldn't it be nice to see how many other wrecks she has left behind?

Raped in a hotel:
I read this now. So sad http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/delhi/Woman-raped-at-Vasant-Kunj-hotel/articleshow/10470042.cms. My friend Mary concurred with me, the man must have been an animal.

Raped in Dubai



How does it feel to be raped


Pre Marital Sex, Consent And Rape - Recent Judgment




An apology: 


Apparently many of the rapes are by known people who had no business doing it... like uncle, teacher, father, brother's friend... where there is no question of a romantic relationship between the two people. Some friends I know have been molested or raped. And I am not talking about marital rape or date rape etc.

http://m.timesofindia.com/tech/social-media/Girl-posts-nude-pictures-of-boyfriend-on-Facebook/articleshow/40144169.cms




False Allegations and Rape

View Of Indian Rapes From Across The Border
Not Rape Anymore


Rape Again


Rape is about power and not a man woman thing. - Michael Crichton - Disclosure.

Punishment for rape in different countries. https://sv-se.facebook.com/hindutavasinghnad/posts/583215951695807?stream_ref=5

I read an interesting article on rape. This is about how a man should and should not behave and explaining why. While I never had imagined what a woman thinks when she saw me (or any other man), this article reveals something that I had not known. I assume the author's opinion represents what most women feel. 

If such is the case, what would I think when I see a woman near me? 
"Oh, oh here comes another one. Probably thinks her looks and her emotions are valid collateral for getting something tangible from me. And would expect chivalry from me and also that I treat her as an equal. And now of course I ought to feel guilty that I could be a rapist." I am going to become gay. 
And this is another article on rape.

Introduction To Rape:
How do you introduce the word "rape" to your daughter? http://in.lifestyle.yahoo.com/let%E2%80%99s-talk-about-it--fathers--daughters-and-the-r-word-165342171.html


Additional reading:

Monday, March 7, 2022

Imaginative Zelensky

I had a wild thought. What if zelensky is in cahoots with Putin? What if he is no different now from Lukashenko, except that zelensky is acting the part of a patriot. 


Why could this be true? Ukraine knows 

1. It cannot win against mighty Russia

2. It cannot really count on USA, NATO, EU to help much, I mean they won't join the war against Russia. 


He and Putin could have forged a wartime "friendship" to fake an Ukrainian resistance that would ultimately give in. Zelensky will be called a hero. Putin will reward him quietly and substantially when the time comes. Say, $50 million deposited in a numbered account with Zelensky as the beneficiary, nobody will be the wiser. 


Everyone is happy.

Sunday, February 27, 2022

Putin's Character And The Ukraine War

I was thinking. Why did Putin claim he wasn't going to invade when he did exactly that few days later. I figured out an answer
In his mind, Ukraine was always part of Russia. Invasion is about an action to take over what is not yours.
Ukraine was his anyway. So it wasn't an "invasion". 



This is a lovely article: https://nyti.ms/3tYGlWF.

This article is original and different. The rest have largely portrayed a surreal depiction of how the West brought Russia to its knees. Too much focus on the process (sanctions) and desire (want Putin to withdraw) without an evidence of the end result (is Russia withdrawing) makes all the essays drab


Additional reading:

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Being In Someone's Shoes

I am back here after a long break. Many things happened in those years. I have changed a little i guess in those years. Maybe I will write a...