An Atheist's Hajj Pilgrimage

This post is by a woman. I just happened to publish it in my blog on her request. The word "I" / "me" etc in the narrative below refers to her.

I am a woman born in a community of orthodox Muslims. I grew up in a big cosmopolitan city. I was surrounded by relatives most of whom were religious. My papa was the only one who I felt was balanced and always used his own mind to decide right and wrong. Till today, I have not come across whom I respect as much as my papa. When I see my papa I feel that he is what every man should be like. 
I got married at a young age as was the custom in my community. My in laws lived in a small town. It was quite an experience living in a small town in an orthodox community. 
Over a period of time, I started hating religions, especially the one I was born in. Religion seemed to set a standard or protocol for people to behave and express. People pride themselves in following those standards even if that behavior or speech was counter to what they really are. 
This was extremely difficult for me as I was, and still now to a large extent, a person that is frank and forthright. People who were not close to me thought of me as one in whom something had gone wrong. Those that were close to me and who liked me, accepted me despite wanting me to change. To be an atheist in this community was to be a pariah. To be an atheistic woman was even worse. And to have to live with such people and be a good hostess or guest was more than I could tolerate.
Life had become a drama where people were acting most of the time - being different from their original selves. There was no percentage in being authentic. What I cherished was rejected by others, what they cherished I despised.
If I had been different, not atheist life would have been more normal. If I had been atheist but not outspoken like my papa, again it would have been easier. Unfortunately that wasn't the case.
As I write this, I am going on a Hajj trip with my husband. He is a very religious and sweet man. Everyone who knows me, including my parents feel that I am lucky to have him. He had been wanting to make the Hajj trip for a long time and me to accompany him. But I had always avoided it - I truly dislike crowds, I shudder to imagine the scene there - people in tears overwhelmed to be at Mecca, the holiest of holy places for all Muslims. 
I see relatives gather to congratulate me on my Hajj trip - as though it's a great endeavor I am making. There is a bonhomie all around. And I think. Do these people really know what it is to be a good person? Do they follow all the rules of Islam meticulously or do they really give lip service? How dare they accuse me of not following the right path. 
My parents incidentally are also doing Hajj trip now. They left couple of weeks back and we will all be returning at the same time. My mom tells me what it's like there and what to pack, what to do while there. I asked my papa how it was there with so much crowd. He didn't say it was wowowow and that he's blessed to be there, it's wonderful  etc. He replied that while there one shouldn't think of crowd. That's how he normally is, man of few words. Each word worth a thousand of others'.
I attend the meetings organized by the tour manager. A bunch of us from our town are leaving together. He has our passports, visa etc. On the day of the journey, I am told, we will receive these documents as well as local sims for KSA (Saudi Arabia). We have also received instructions on how to dress, that we will alight at Jeddah and drive straight to Mecca without changing. It will be a 6 hour flight from my city to Jeddah. My ordeal starts then.
I am scared. To be a Satan in the house of God! To have to follow the innumerable procedures which I do not understand much, most of which I don't care for... yet I have to maintain a superficial balance. Getting married and going to sasuraal (Husband's house) was a lot easier.
These days I have shut myself off from the people outside whom I cannot stand. Would this world change because of this trip? I guess not.
My husband has been very supportive. He knows that I can't stand this kind of trip. Yet he wants me to come, he truly believes that those who make Hajj pilgrimage go to Heaven. He wants that for me. He is good in ways that I could never be.
Aage ki kahani, agle hafte (Rest of the story, next week).... Live from Saudi.. Or Dead? 

Continued now as autobiography:

Yes I have returned from Makkah and become A HAJI now. I have a problem with titles, It distinguishes me and I should be happy but I am not. Honestly I don't know what the fuss is all about.. What have I done really? I have worshipped a God. Is that a great honour? But I haven't done anything tangible.. Nothing I can be proud of. So in effect this title means nothing to me. 

Many people laid bets amongst themselves about me and that I would change after Haj. Makkah and Kaabah will influence me. Miraculously I did change, but where there was doubt now there is clarity. Before I doubted myself just because of the sheer pressure the believers put on the side of God and religion. Now I am at peace.. As I no longer doubt myself, now I am much more sure that religion and all this pilgrimages is for the weak willed and the masses who seek direction from outside of themselves because their inner compass is absent or they aren't in touch with their compasses. 

People look at the Kaabah as if it was God itself. Many people told me.. You look at Kaabah and tears will flow down and you won't be able to stop it. Honestly I saw a structure without anything in it to move me. And don't even think I am unemotional, I cry when I read a book or see a movie and I cry like hell! This building didn't move me. I stared at it. My heart asked questions to my mind.. Why? Why? Why? I didn't get any answers then, but as I observed the rituals and the people and the sheer belief of people I came to know that they needed this. They can't live without God. So to each his own.. I was secretly glad I knew the answers.

Sorry guys.. There was no miracle, there is no miracle. Perhaps there were great men in the past who were Godlike and hence became prophet's or messengers and their followers became a group which is called religious group. 

Religion was made to bring order during warlike and chaotic times when there was no discipline among people and sadly now the same religion is hungry for the warlike situations which it sought to avoid!

Ironically.. Religion teaches people to introspect and to meditate and to lead a good life.. But all people are bothered about is to make a pilgrimage and wash away their life's sins. Why sin in the first place? Ask for forgiveness from God. When I ask why do such a thing that one should feel guilty for? People reply, "We do make mistakes many a times unknowingly, one can't be sinless!" How weak people talk!! All of them talk about cure and not so much about prevention! Accumulate brownie points by worshiping and not missing any prayer time. It simultaneously astonishes and confirms my belief that people are really really weak within! 

I have always been very sensitive towards the weak and poor. Once as a child I asked an uncle why was there inequality and why someone so rich and someone soo poor. He told me the imbalance is the reason people help each other. If everyone was strong nobody would need anyone.. This put me at ease then. I don't like it still but guess I got to accept it all the same. 

I have come to understand people more and why they do what they do. Maybe Haj helped me to expand my horizons and look at the bigger picture. Journey of any kind usually helps to understand more and that's what Haj did.

Hajj mosque - a nice aerial photo: 
http://www.fatihhajj.com/images/masjidnabvi.gif

View of the takeoff from Saudi:

Welcome back Haji!

This is a useful link to convert Latitude and Longitude to a place on earth. It points out the place on the map. This is another nice link. The latlong (latitude and longitude of Jeddah is 21.5N and 39E. Various points I anticipate on my trip are (a) 28N 70E: Sadiqabad, Pakistan (b) 26N 60E: Nikshahr, Sistan Va Baluchestan, Iran (c) 23.5N 50E: Al Ahsa, Saudi (d) Jeddah. 

Distances between two places whose latlong are given: 1, 2

Additional reading:

• On Hajj Subsidy by Indian Govt: http://kafila.org/2011/02/28/the-myth-of-indias-hajj-subsidy-muhammad-farooq/ - very nice reading
• http://www.deism.com/hajj.htm
• Homework assignment on Hajj: http://atheiststoday.com/blogs/Incongruous/homework-assignment-from-the-hajj/
• Stampede on 24th Sep 2015 2 weeks after a crane collapse killed 100:
• http://edition.cnn.com/2015/09/24/middleeast/stampede-hajj-pilgrimage/
• One Indian lady from Hyderabad dead: http://www.firstpost.com/world/live-updates-over-220-people-dead-500-injured-during-hajj-pilgrimage-in-mina-stampede-2444398.html
• Dress code: http://vbala99.blogspot.com/2015/08/dress-code-for-women-during-hajj.html
• Islam a descendant of  Hinduism? http://www.hinduism.co.za/kaabaa.htm