A friend of mine F told me about an incident that happened around midnight a few days back. She has a daughter D and a husband H. Apologies to F for reproducing the story without her permission.
F had forgotten to switch off the AC one night. And it had become very cold. D (daughter) woke up shivering. But D didn't wake up F nor did she use the remote to switch the A/C off. I asked F whether D knew how to operate the remote. Maybe D was like me. F assured me that D knew the use of remote inside out.
Going on further with the story, D was scratching the mat and F woke up from the sound and found D sitting and staring at her. F asked D "why are you up?". D replied that she was cold and a/c blah blah. F asked D angrily "why didn't you wake me up or use the remote? Are you an idiot?" D meekly replied that she didn't want to wake mother up and disturb. H woke up in this melee and asked the two of them what was going on. F explained to her husband. H said "Wow, D is so sweet" and then they all slept happily ever after (after switching off the A/C).
Small incident. It was not as though North Korea had fired a nuclear missile to destroy Moscow (making it seem as though the Americans did it etc). I am pretty sure CNN would not consider this as breaking news.
Now let us, like Mandira Bedi and Sindhu, do some behind the scenes analysis.
If D had used the remote, the problem would have been solved but with no drama. Now in life do we need more drama or do we want to switch off A/C fast? Which would give more bonus points to D (father's approval at the end)?
Another incident came to my notice which is similar and provided a perspective. A friend has an attendant who is very very reliable. Now this attendant had to attend a marriage of a friend and had informed my friend's family of the date and that she would have to be away, a month in advance. And that a new attendant would come as a replacement.
As luck would have it, my friend was diagnosed with some issue and had to undergo surgery the date of which overlapped with the attendant's leave.
My friend kept mentioning to me that it was an unfortunate complication that the surgery and the attendant's leave was happening at the same time. I asked my friend whether she wanted the attendant to cancel or postpone the leave and forego attending the marriage. My friend said no, that's not what she had in mind. She was just mentioning. Couldn't she even say what was troubling her..
Now in the case of my friend's daughter D and the the A/C incident, if someone had asked D whether she was scratching the mat in order to wake up her mom and have the A/C switched off, her answer would have been no. Would D have continued scratching the mat if her mom was awake or if the A/c was off? Obviously No.
Would my friend who had a surgery complained if her attendant was not going on leave, no again. But was she complaining in order to get the attendant to cancel or postpone the leave? My friend says no.
Are my friend with surgery and the friend's daughter with A/c unaware that their actions (complaining about leave or scratching the mat) had a specific purpose? And that their actions would stop once the issue was resolved?
To me it seems so obvious but to them their acts were just a way of expressing their discomfort but with no direct purpose in mind.
Expressing a discomfort without mentioning a solution involves a position that one isn't demanding. That one was just expressing discomfort. If the audience is smart, they would address the issue. If the audience doesn't get it and hence the issue remains unresolved then there is still the advantage of not being seen as demanding. It's not even about being demanding. It's about expressing a need.
I guess some people strongly prefer to be seen as not being needy. They express their needs often. They do it in an oblique way. Perhaps in the hope that at least some of their needs would be addressed. And without being seen as needy.
Wow.
Additional reading:
Going on further with the story, D was scratching the mat and F woke up from the sound and found D sitting and staring at her. F asked D "why are you up?". D replied that she was cold and a/c blah blah. F asked D angrily "why didn't you wake me up or use the remote? Are you an idiot?" D meekly replied that she didn't want to wake mother up and disturb. H woke up in this melee and asked the two of them what was going on. F explained to her husband. H said "Wow, D is so sweet" and then they all slept happily ever after (after switching off the A/C).
Small incident. It was not as though North Korea had fired a nuclear missile to destroy Moscow (making it seem as though the Americans did it etc). I am pretty sure CNN would not consider this as breaking news.
Now let us, like Mandira Bedi and Sindhu, do some behind the scenes analysis.
- Why did D not use the remote?
- Why did she scratch the mat and make a noise - F (friend) told me it was to wake the mother up.
If D had used the remote, the problem would have been solved but with no drama. Now in life do we need more drama or do we want to switch off A/C fast? Which would give more bonus points to D (father's approval at the end)?
Another incident came to my notice which is similar and provided a perspective. A friend has an attendant who is very very reliable. Now this attendant had to attend a marriage of a friend and had informed my friend's family of the date and that she would have to be away, a month in advance. And that a new attendant would come as a replacement.
As luck would have it, my friend was diagnosed with some issue and had to undergo surgery the date of which overlapped with the attendant's leave.
My friend kept mentioning to me that it was an unfortunate complication that the surgery and the attendant's leave was happening at the same time. I asked my friend whether she wanted the attendant to cancel or postpone the leave and forego attending the marriage. My friend said no, that's not what she had in mind. She was just mentioning. Couldn't she even say what was troubling her..
Now in the case of my friend's daughter D and the the A/C incident, if someone had asked D whether she was scratching the mat in order to wake up her mom and have the A/C switched off, her answer would have been no. Would D have continued scratching the mat if her mom was awake or if the A/c was off? Obviously No.
Would my friend who had a surgery complained if her attendant was not going on leave, no again. But was she complaining in order to get the attendant to cancel or postpone the leave? My friend says no.
Are my friend with surgery and the friend's daughter with A/c unaware that their actions (complaining about leave or scratching the mat) had a specific purpose? And that their actions would stop once the issue was resolved?
To me it seems so obvious but to them their acts were just a way of expressing their discomfort but with no direct purpose in mind.
Expressing a discomfort without mentioning a solution involves a position that one isn't demanding. That one was just expressing discomfort. If the audience is smart, they would address the issue. If the audience doesn't get it and hence the issue remains unresolved then there is still the advantage of not being seen as demanding. It's not even about being demanding. It's about expressing a need.
I guess some people strongly prefer to be seen as not being needy. They express their needs often. They do it in an oblique way. Perhaps in the hope that at least some of their needs would be addressed. And without being seen as needy.
Wow.
Additional reading:
- http://vbala99.blogspot.com/2017/06/relation-between-nt-sf-natural.html
- http://vbala99.blogspot.com/2017/10/s1-and-s2-daniel-kahnemann-my-examples.html
No comments:
Post a Comment