I was talking to a friend recently. I told her about a blog post I had written on Geometry which, I added, would't interest her.
She immediately said it's not a nice thing to judge people. And that one should be more open.
Later she expressed a judgment about someone. I interrupted her to ask her how come she was now judging while she was uncomfortable when I judged her. So she thought about what I said and replied that she would like to rephrase what she said earlier. I said fine, go ahead.
She told me that she realized it was not judging that she objected to but judging and being negative simultaneously. Things like "you can never do this right", "he will never go far in life" etc.
In a more recent conversation she was telling me about a job which involved counseling people undergoing grief and stress. When she overheard someone counseling over the phone she realized that this counseling job was not for her. Earlier she had always been very positive and had felt that she could take up any job and learn to do it well. But counseling, she realized, wasn't going to be easy for her ever. She told me she would never take up that job.
Being the nice friend that I am I asked her whether she was not being judging and being also negative (though about herself). Was she not violating her old code?
She thought about it for a second and then replied that she was not really judging. She had learned about herself better. And there was nothing wrong about learning stuff one did not know earlier.
So I asked her. When someone says "you can never do this", "she will never be sensible" etc, is it not true that that someone also learned some stuff about the people concerned and it so happened that what one learned was negative and what one said might come across as being judging?
My friend went into one more bout of silence, thinking deeply about what I said. She couldn't disagree with me. But she wasn't convinced either.
If what follows bores you then you are a people person. Abstract analysis isn't your cup of tea.
And then I wondered.
If we have thought through or often experienced something and felt something to be true, even if negative, we think it is a learning and we allow it. We don't consider such learning to have violated the code of being open.
But when we hear someone else saying something negative we probably think that the other person is being judging.
But when we hear someone else saying something negative we probably think that the other person is being judging.
Why this double standard? Why do we do this?
We do this because at times we haven't had some (negative) learning ourselves and hence we have nothing untoward to say about someone or something and we are open. And our open world is shattered when someone takes a negative stance about what something we are still open and haven't learned about.
We do this because at times we haven't had some (negative) learning ourselves and hence we have nothing untoward to say about someone or something and we are open. And our open world is shattered when someone takes a negative stance about what something we are still open and haven't learned about.
Before Copernicus came along people would have generally felt that Sun revolved around the earth and maybe some people wouldn't have cared much about which object revolved around which. And when Copernicus mentioned his stance which went against conventional wisdom most people would have objected to his theory.
This dislike of judging is more about a dislike of the unfamiliar.
For example, I have not felt X to be such and such. And you come and say X is actually such and such (something negative). I think you are judging. Because you have slotted X to be such and such while I am still open about X and haven't slotted it (or him) as negative. And why have I not slotted X? Because I am not much affected by X. What happens if and when I am affected adversely by X? Would I still hate to say something negative about X?
For example, I have not felt X to be such and such. And you come and say X is actually such and such (something negative). I think you are judging. Because you have slotted X to be such and such while I am still open about X and haven't slotted it (or him) as negative. And why have I not slotted X? Because I am not much affected by X. What happens if and when I am affected adversely by X? Would I still hate to say something negative about X?
How many people would be personally affected if they were told that it was the earth that revolved around the Sun and not the other way around? If they were unaffected at a personal level why should they be bothered about the new theory or of any theory for that matter? Especially when they dislike theories in the first place.
So when someone says he does not like it when someone (Y) is being judging,
- He hates theories (he is definitely P, not J as in MBTI).
- He loves everyone being open and not judging (Openness as in Five Factor Theory is probably same as in P in MNTI)
- He believes that theories are meant for and used in esoteric places like labs and not between people - meaning theories have no place in interactions between people. "Games People Play" is a book he would hate.
- He has not been greatly personally affected by the particular theory that led to Y's judging.
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