A friend of mine was telling me about her cousin (C, settled in the USA) - about the way C took care of her (C's) ailing father in India. Till recently my friend had been taking care of her aunt and uncle but of late it was beyond her.
There being no other person to take care of the elderly parents, one of whom - the father, about 90 years old, was in his last stages, C had rushed down from the US and took charge of the situation. And how. They are wealthy and had employed 3 nurses / attendants, C herself oversaw everything. She slept next to her father holding his hands, talking to him, feeding him, massaging his hands. The elderly gentleman, while confined to the bed, was conscious of things around him.
My friend herself is very caring and comes from a family of very warm people. But she was stunned by the extent of warmth and attention shown by her cousin to her uncle (C's father). My friend wistfully told me that she could learn a lot from C. Her uncle eventually died last month - he had a good end - surrounded by family and taken care of every minute in the last 4 months.
My friend told me about another cousin of hers (D) who was taking care of her (D's) father, a gentleman now about 80. D has no family of her own, she stays largely home to take care of her father. They have a daytime nurse who looks after her father. She, D, would always hang around close to home should there be an emergency. D had been taking care of her father for the last few years, since there wasn't anyone else. She is an introvert and because of her father's needs, has little other activity outside of what the home and the father needed.
D is different from C, very different. While C was warm and affectionate and fun to be with, D wasn't. D is an academic type with little interest in the world or people around her.
What D did for her father had little warmth, she did it because she took taking care of her father as her duty. Her father needed affection but he didn't get any from his daughter unfortunately.
D is different from C, very different. While C was warm and affectionate and fun to be with, D wasn't. D is an academic type with little interest in the world or people around her.
What D did for her father had little warmth, she did it because she took taking care of her father as her duty. Her father needed affection but he didn't get any from his daughter unfortunately.
My friend thought that D was stupid because D put her own life on hold, doing little for herself. And that D was a loser, while my friend thought highly of C who came down to India from US for 4 months and did a great job with her father. And now presumably C has gone back. Incidentally both C and D have a sibling each who have not participated in the care of their respective fathers.
Having mentioned two real life stories, the question I have is this: how come my friend thinks poorly of one cousin D and highly of another, C?
It sounds like a Vikram Vetaal question.
Earlier (http://vbala99.blogspot.com/2017/10/vikram-vetaal-and-some-friends.html) I had mentioned about another friend who rated surviving and winning as more important. Here my friend with her 2 cousins was thinking the same way.
While all the characters in the stories (except for the fathers) are women who generally go all gooey about sacrifices, here we see that women find winning and doing something (taking care) with elegance and with minimal cost to oneself as being more important.
Not just more important but critical because if you don't take care nicely (that is not warmly) and if you don't take care of yourself then you are termed a loser. My friend's feelings resonate with what another friend of mine told me decades back - that it's not adequate to do good, it's more important to be seen as doing good. C followed this dictum exactly. D didn't. Even D's father doesn't think much of D and what she has done for him. Nor does her cousin, my friend. My friend sees C as a person to emulate, but doesn't see D that way.
4 months of passionate care trumps 4 years of dull care, even if such dull care is done at a good cost to oneself.
I am reminded of Francesca and Zubeida (http://vbala99.blogspot.com/2012/05/bridges-of-madison-county-book-by.html). Why am I drawn towards Francesca and D but not to Zubeida and C?
Additional reading
While all the characters in the stories (except for the fathers) are women who generally go all gooey about sacrifices, here we see that women find winning and doing something (taking care) with elegance and with minimal cost to oneself as being more important.
Not just more important but critical because if you don't take care nicely (that is not warmly) and if you don't take care of yourself then you are termed a loser. My friend's feelings resonate with what another friend of mine told me decades back - that it's not adequate to do good, it's more important to be seen as doing good. C followed this dictum exactly. D didn't. Even D's father doesn't think much of D and what she has done for him. Nor does her cousin, my friend. My friend sees C as a person to emulate, but doesn't see D that way.
4 months of passionate care trumps 4 years of dull care, even if such dull care is done at a good cost to oneself.
I am reminded of Francesca and Zubeida (http://vbala99.blogspot.com/2012/05/bridges-of-madison-county-book-by.html). Why am I drawn towards Francesca and D but not to Zubeida and C?
Additional reading
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ReplyDeleteWarmth is a component every person expects from everyone, no matter whether you are old or young, male or female, idiot or wise.
DeleteI feel every person expects warmth but in different ways-
1 physical- hug or cuddle
2 by sweet words
3 by compliment
a. true one
b. for the sake of passing
So linking the above information to the blog especially to the character D
Taking care = warmth, the primary necessity which should be present in a person while taking care. D claims to be taking care of someone and the primary necessity is missing then rest is not important for the recipient but for the giver the things sacrificed for the act to happen is more important.
This would be an unfortunate and unforgettable experience for all those who wanted to do something where the primary requirement was missing. Something like Wanted to get married but no interest in sex.