What Is Your Typical Way Of Dealing With Conflict

Recently a friend of mine asked me a question.

"What is your typical way of dealing with conflict?"

I pondered over this question. What is conflict? It is a situation where two or more parties feel differently about an issue. For example,

• I feel I am contributing more, you feel that you are.
• I as a buyer feel this is too high a price, you as a seller feel this is too low a price
• I feel you should be more careful about money, you feel "No. If one has enough money, one should spend it".
• I feel it's my right to be loved no matter how bad I am, you feel "No. A positive emotion has to be deserved and not a birthright".
• I want to go to Alps in Europe for vacation, you want to go the beach in Pattaya.

and so on.

In each example, each party is an aggrieved party and desperately tries to convince the other party to reconsider its opinion. And neither party is willing to give in.

It's easier to solve a conflict when one party is in a position of power. And uses the power to force a resolution. Examples are:

If you don't do what I say, I will

• Not sleep with you and god help if you sleep around
• Not provide uranium to you and ensure that no one else sells you uranium for your nuclear program
• Not allow any mode of payment to your country for your exports (as USA has been doing to Iran)

and so on. The other party then has something to think about. "Oh my, can I manage that deprivation/embargo?". And may cave in.

Now, what if you don't wield such a power over the other person? How do you solve a conflict? To answer that question, let's go to the last time we solved a conflict.

• Did explaining both the positions (yours as well as the other party's) help?
• Did negotiation help (You give in here, I will compromise there) help?
• Did an emotional blackmail (If you don't do this, I will die) help?
• Did a gentle persuasion (you are a good boy, aren't you) help?

Think about it.

Most times when we are in conflict our adult state of mind (the state where we think logically) perhaps takes a back seat. We are controlled by our emotions (how DARE she say this?, How COULD he do that?).

And perhaps appealing to the other person's emotions is a better way of handling conflict. (If you don't do it, can you imagine what will happen to my family / to our country / to me / to all the effort I put in).

I think an emotional appeal works better than an analytical appeal. At the very least even if we appeal logically to the other person, a nice emotional packaging is essential. We all hate the idea of being heartless more than the idea of being illogical.

What happened in Tunisia last week (the president fled the country), in Egypt yesterday (junior Mubarek fled the country, both caused by unrest by people) and by Gandhi's fast(s) unto death 70 years back (India got its freedom from Britain)... What kind of appeals were these?

Now go back to the earlier question. When a conflict was resolved, what caused it? A strong emotional appeal? Or a strong logical reasoning?

I do understand that this was not how Ayn Rand saw a conflict being handled as she explained in Atlas Shrugged. But in our day to day interactions, how many of us meet with John Galts who understand a logical appeal?

The point is different people tune in to different kind of appeals. An emotional appeal won't work with a John Galt. We need to understand the audience and tailor the appeal for maximizing results.
Notwithstanding all this, if I were to rate myself on my ability to handle conflicts in a scale of 1-5 (1 being hopeless, 5 being wow) I would rate myself about 2.

Updated: 9-Apr-2012
Additional reading: http://vbala99.blogspot.in/2012/04/recipe-for-who-we-cannot-gel-with.html

A way to handle conflicts is to avoid getting into conflict prone situations. The link above might help. Each of us can get along with certain kinds of people and fail with others. Knowing what kind we are and what kind someone else is and making the right choice (to minimize interactions with the wrong kind of person) may decrease conflicts.